You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
