He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
