I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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