Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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