I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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