"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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