God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
