Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
