Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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