One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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