I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
i don't know when underwear became an acceptable clothing choice for parties, but god help me i hope this isn't a passing trend.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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