is wine microwaveable?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
