How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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