Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
