I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
