Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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