I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Randomize
