Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
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