The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
