I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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