making cat noises will not fix the situation.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
