i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
