someone owes me an orgasm
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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