I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
