Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
