I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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