Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
