I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
