I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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