In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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