Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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