Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
So much Jack, so little girl.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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