hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
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