My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm always down for nudity.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
