i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
