Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
