I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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