The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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