shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
whose ass print is on the piano?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
