Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
