Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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