I'm going to jail i love you
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Randomize
