you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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