The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
