We named our party play list daddy issues
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
