i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
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