Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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