Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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