If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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