I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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