I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
