I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
