Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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